BOSTON - Of all the anomalies within the realm of food celebrities, Guy Fieri is quite possibly the most inexplicable. He’s publicly adored—simply for being so fundamentally assailable. He’s made a dubious mark on the culinary world—yet is not a professional chef. He’s been derided as the id of the American consumer psyche run dangerously amok—yet celebrated with equal parts morbid irony and equal parts unmitigated fear. 

I’m not certain if anyone has actually ever aspired to be Guy Fieri. Chiefly because I don’t know if Guy Fieri actually exists. I know Barry Manilow does. I’ve heard music attributed to someone named Barry Manilow. It’s not unpleasant. But Barry Manilow is a registered trademark in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. So is Guy Fieri. It’s one of the great existential dilemmas of the 21st Century, and I’m not certain if it’s going to be answered any time soon.

Neitzche saw a horse beaten by its owner. Colonel Kurtz saw a snail crawl on the edge of a straight razor. Boston beheld Guy Fieri—and it may not have been good, but it was enough to warrant the mollusk-like media behemoth entry into the market, despite disastrous attempts from previous celebrity-themed restaurateurs and Fieri’s own history of failed business ventures. 

“I’m working to give Bostonians something they’ll dig,” Fieri said of his Boston debut. “But hey, if you don’t like tacos, tequila, live music, the Celtics, or the Bruins, I guess it’s not the place for you. I won’t be offended.” 

Fieri, a Humboldt County native of Irish descent, apparently knows a lot about Mexican food. As well as Boston. Or at least that’s what Big Night Entertainment Group is banking on. They’re the multi-million dollar hospitality group behind Fieri’s Tequila Cocina restaurant. They’re also responsible for a host of other high stakes nightlife venues in the greater Boston area, including Scorpion Bar, Mystique, High Rollers and the Hub on Causeway’s “Big Night Live”—who, it should be noted, is proud to host Styx’s 2020 World Tour in just a matter of weeks.

They’ll also be overseeing Fieri’s proposed expansion, which includes two additional ventures: the first Boston franchisee of the mogul's flagship “Guy’s Kitchen + Bar” venture  (not counting its Foxwoods location) and a new family-style eatery called “Chicken Guy!” Both of which will no doubt fill the conspicuous void left in downtown Boston by a scarcity of incandescent shirts and pre-packaged hot sauces.

“The people of New England, and specifically Boston, have always been important to the greater food landscape,” Fieri said in a press release. “And I’ve been lucky enough to meet a bunch of them through my DDD [Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives] travels and of course, by feedin’ ‘em at Guy’s Foxwoods Kitchen + Bar and Tequila Cocina. But there’s more cookin’ to be done so I’m stoked to be bringing my Guy’s Kitchen + Bar to Boston as well as Chicken Guy!, servin’ up hand-breaded chicken tenders and 22 scratch-made sauces.”

Mouth salivatin’ yet? Pucker up, but don’t get too excited, amigo. Both ventures aren’t scheduled to occur until this summer pending renovations being conducted at another Big Night offshoot, Explorateur; which is closing on March 2nd to make way for the syntactically challenged impresario’s (who, to reemphasize, is not a professional chef) proposed additions at 186 Tremont St.

If that address sounds familiar, it’s also home to the Massachusetts Grand Lodge of Freemasons. Which just lends itself to a whole host of conspiracy theories for the tinfoil hat crowd among you. Some crunchtacious conspiracy theories, amigo.

Images via Wikimedia Commons